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allyson.'s avatar

hi baby. i had to come back to this to explain how i felt. after reading this, i wallowed around my house like some pathetic little dog. my mom had to call my name three times before i paid attention. as a haitian-american, the hyphenate has become the same shape of my spine.

i'm often told i'm american, but i seem to be the only one sick over not being able to go back to my homeland. my parents struck those dreams down because the country is in shambles, said i'll be kidnapped. but ever since i was a little girl i knew i wanted to go missing, if only to see what others do.

i can't speak creole anymore, but i understand. receptive bilingualism, they call it. by haitian standards i do everything right (except being sapphic which we all ignore) so i guess my homeland is in me. they tell me i should take it out, but i'd be nothing without it.

i love you.

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Inigo Laguda's avatar

when people ask me, "why don't you call yourself nigerian british" it is because I know enough about history to know nigeria was a name colonially bestowed by a white woman. my country is not even its own home. this, among so many other things, have meant i've been trying to refurbish my relationship to "home", which feels complicated when you're yoruba-british but don't speak yoruba. even if i learn now, it won't be quick enough to have a full conversation with my grandmother. i'd be an outsider with two tongues. which used to make me sad but i think now the sadness has dissipated into a game or sport. how will i carve a home like the Al-Khazneh in the cliffs of Jordan? it probably won't look pretty for anyone who has to watch the labour. but people might look in awe when I'm done. the beauty was never for them, though. i think, even if i wasn't cracked between two worlds, i'd still be an outsider. i'd still look around the place i'd know is my home and see the seams fraying. i think if i belonged, i'd still not feel slotted in and snug. but thats easy to say when you know you're an exile. just some thoughts your piece ignited in me. thank you for sharing it.

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